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People ask me how and when I knew that I was adopted. I tell them the same thing everytime. I have always known that I was adopted because my parents never kept it a secret from me. They also ask me what is was like growing up in a family that I was an added member to and did not naturally belong with. When I am asked that question I am tempted to say, "and what was it like for you growing up in a family that had no choice but to put up with you?" But I am good and just say that I grew up in the most loving and caring family that I could have ever hoped for. They are my family and that will never change.
While I was growing up, many people would ask me if I ever planned on searching for my real mother and father. I would just look at them and say "Why? I already know who my real mother and father are. They are the ones that raised me and cared for me all my life." Then they would ask the proper question of if I ever planned on searching for my biological mother and father. Well, when I was growing up the answer was "No." My parents had made a promise to my birthmother's family that I would never try to find them. I felt bound by that promise until recently.
Let me go back a few years and talk about the circumstances around my adoption. Before I was born my parents had adopted a little girl, my older adopted sister Cheri, in 1966 and a little boy, my older adopted brother Brian, in 1969. Brian was born on August 14, 1969 and unfortunately died at the young age of 3 months on November 4, 1969, of SIDS. Both of my parents were obviously upset by this and immediately started trying to adopt again. My mother was unable to carry a baby full term. They had mentioned to the pastor of thier church that they wanted to adopt another child, who in turn mentioned it to one of his collegues. This is where my birthmother, Debbie, steps in. Debbie was young and pregnant. She had gone to her church to try to decide what to do. Her pastor told her that there were many couples looking to adopt babies and he agreed to help her with finding the right couple.
Debbie was given profiles of 3 families to choose from. I was lucky, she chose mine. She stayed in Santa Barbara until after she gave birth. When she went into labor, somehow my parents were given the news and packed up the car and headed for Santa Barbara. While they were up there, they met with my birthgrandparents and had breakfast or lunch, I have heard two different things on that. It was then that the promise was made. My parents took me home from the hospital the day after I was born. Debbie was never allowed to see me, but her father did get to see me. He then sent pictures of Debbie growing up stating that I looked so much like "their little Debbie" that they felt that my parents might be interested in what I would look like when I was growing up. When I finally saw those pictures I was amazed at the resemblance and the similarities in our hobbies and tastes.
Skipping ahead past some really boring details we come to grade school. Now, my mother and father and most of my family always accepted my asister and I as members of the family. There was never a doubt in any of thier minds that we belonged. With the exception of one, who was not actually a blood relative, but an in-law. Quick story on that. My mother was showing me off to her favorite uncle and had to go to change me. While she was changing me she over heard her uncle's mother-in-law say to him, "How dare she bring that injun non-child into this house." My mom finished changing me, said her good-bye's and didn't visit her favorite uncle again until 20 years later. So when I was growing up, my parents made sure that my asister and I knew that we were a part of the family. It was society that did not accept it. I was told by other people that my natural mother never loved me and that I should thank God that a good christian family thought enough to try to take care of someone like me. I was told by members of society that I was not a real person because my real parents did not want me. You get the picture. But during that time, when I would complain to my parents about what people were saying, they always told me that Debbie did love me and that was why she gave me up for adoption. It was to give me a life that she could not have given me. It always gave me comfort.
After graduating High School, I went to College for one quarter. While there I ran into another stereotype about adoptees. My English professor stated that all adoptees searched for thier parents and all adoptees were disappointed to find out that their Birth mothers never cared about them. Well, that statement made me angry. I pointed out to him that not all adoptees searched and that I was sure that there were one or two happy reunions. I left school to work fulltime and decide what I wanted to do with my life. I still had no particular desire to search at this point and continued to live my life.
I met my fiance in May of 1993. He is the one the convinced me to go back to school and to better myself. While attending school I took some history classes and began to wonder about my history. Where did I come from, why was I the way I was? That meant searching for Debbie. Eric gave me his full support and even did some searching on his own for me. On March 29, 1996 I joined a group called the Adoptees Internet Mailing list. A week later I posted my information and received a slew of email back advising me where to go from there. I did not do serious searching until late August of 1996. I talked to some experienced people and they were able to get me vital information. At the end of September one of the people that was helping me search, Mr. John Apel, was able to get the address and phone number of my birthgrandmother. But she was visiting her daughter and no one knew when she would be back. Finally, on October 4, 1996, I was able to get in contact with my uncle, Debbie's brother. After I asked him a few questions and he was wondering who I was I finally said, "Well, I guess the best thing to do is just come right out and say it. I believe that I am your niece. I am the baby that Debbie gave up for adoption in 1970." My uncle immediately said, "I know who you are." That one statement just about made me pass out. He knew! A searching adoptees dream come true. Someone knew about me besides Debbie. He told me some information. I had a sister and a brother. He also told me that Debbie was no longer in California. He told me that he was on his way out of town for a convention and that he was planning on calling Debbie to check on thier mother when he got back. I thought, "OK, I have a week to adjust."
The next morning at 8:30 AM the phone woke me up. Eric told me to go answer the phone that I was not dreaming. I picked up the phone. Here is the conversation that then took place, or at least the beginning of it.
"Hello?"
"Hello, is this Theresa?"
"Yes, this is Theresa?"
"This is your mother."
"Excuse me, I have to sit down now."
Well, not exactly the first words I had intended to say to Debbie when I talked to her, but I was in a little bit of a shock. I had not anticipated a call from her this quickly. Not that I mind. It was a pleasant surprise. We talked for almost an hour and then she gave her mother the phone. I talked to my bgrandmother for about 20 minutes and then the phone was passed back to Debbie. Debbie gave me her email address and we both promised to keep in touch.
We did more than keep in touch. We started emailing each other everyday. I sent her pictures of me, Eric (my ex-husband), and the family, and she scanned pictures to me of her and her family. Towards the end of October we made plans to meet. We flew to Missouri on November 8, 1996, to meet the woman that gave birth to me for the first time. As soon as we stepped into the terminal, Debbie recognized me immediately. She grabbed me and hugged me and would not let go. Of course, I did not want to let her go either. We spent the weekend getting reacquainted. I got to meet my Grandmother, halfsister (Heather), halfbrother (Kenny), nephews (Samson and Suede) and of course, Debbie's husband, Norman. While I was there I felt like I was a member of the family. It was as if I always was part of their family. It was a truly joyous occassion for me. It also was a short visit. We only stayed 3 days. But we promised to visit again.
I went to visit her again in March 1997. Kenny promises to come out to California when he gets a chance and from what I am told, Norman started planning a trip here as soon as we left. However, due to work obligations, it is difficult for both Debbie and Norman to get the same vacation time.
Well, that is the gory details of my adoption, search, and reunion. I did get to meet my Uncle Dennis. He is a very nice man and his wife, Sue, is very sweet. I hope to soon meet my Aunt Shirley and her husband Richard. Time constraints with my school are probably going to play havoc with that one, but I am working on it. My story is not unusual, but I am proud of it. It is my story, my life, and no one can take that from me. I am proud to say that I am a reunited adult adoptee.
The latest update:
I met Aunt Shirley, Uncle Richard, and my cousin Sharol, on February 15, 1997. They are a great crew. Shirley was so friendly and thoughtful. She is just a beautiful person. Richard has a little in common with Eric as they are both Engineers. Richard is a great guy. Sharol is a sweetheart. She is such a wonderful person and very quiet. Our visit was cut short since Eric and I had to go and visit some friends of ours to celebrate my birthday. Before we left, I did have a chance to speak to Shirley's son John on the phone. That also was a treat. I hope to meet him, his wife, Lisa, their daughter Venice, and my other cousin Lissa soon. For anyone interested, John and Lissa were adopted by Shirley and her husband and are also reunited. I look forward to continuing my new found friendship with my extended family.
Keep checking back. I will continue to update my story as it is not over yet. I am currently searching for my bfather, Ralph Mitchell. This should be interesting, to say the least.
Comments or Suggestions? email me.
Last updated on February 19, 1997
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